October 15, 2010-November 22, 2010: The most wonderfully terrifying 5 weeks of our lives.
After we found out we were pregnant, our everyday lives changed completely. We were filled with emotional ups and downs that I never dreamed possible. We scheduled our first doctor’s appointment for Tuesday, October 19th. They did blood work and an ultrasound. We were still too early to see anything on the ultrasound and my HCG level was 256…pretty low. Nonetheless the nurse put me on prenatal vitamins and wanted to do more blood work on Thursday. We would be looking for a double of the HCG levels every 2 days or so. On Thursday my HCG level was 580. I was so excited when I got the number I went to Allen’s school and took him a small piece of paper with the number on it folded up. When I found him I didn’t say anything, just handed him the paper. When he opened it the biggest smile crossed his face. He hugged me and it felt like we were the only people in the gym.
Although I was a little apprehensive at first, later that night we celebrated like most married people do…and loved every minute of it! This was also the day that we announced to the world…via Facebook of course…that a miracle had taken place in the Maness family. Here is the post I put on Facebook:
Although I was a little apprehensive at first, later that night we celebrated like most married people do…and loved every minute of it! This was also the day that we announced to the world…via Facebook of course…that a miracle had taken place in the Maness family. Here is the post I put on Facebook:
“If you ever needed a reason to believe in miracles...here's one for you! After 5 years, 4 surgeries, 5 failed artificial inseminations and 1 failed in vitro fertilization...Allen and I are going to be parents...and the best news of all is that this baby was not created by doctors' hands...but by the one true giver of life...GOD ALMIGHTY! Baby Maness will be here the end of June! Thank you for all the prayers that were sent up to Heaven on our behalf. God knew the plans that He had for Allen and me, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future!” October 21, 2010 at 8:25pm
I had 50 “likes” and 59 “comments” on that status…and more wall posts, texts and phone calls than anyone would be able to count. That night was one of the most memorable in this journey that we are on. It was so exciting to be able to share God’s miracle over and over with our friends and to know that so many people were genially happy for us. God is amazing!
The next morning, I got up at 5:30 to get ready for school and when I went to the bathroom I was horrified to find that I had a significant bleed. I called the doctor’s office immediately and was told there wasn’t much that could be done so soon in to the pregnancy. I was also told that the doctor that I had seen just the day before could not see me but the on-call doctor would call me back if I wanted to leave a message. Did I want to leave a message? Did I want to leave a message? Are you kidding me? Of course I wanted to leave a message…better yet; if they would have given me the doctor’s number I would call him myself. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I left a message and lay in my closet floor crying my eyes out for what seemed like an eternity. Finally the doctor called me back and I confessed that Allen and I had made love the night before. He seemed to think that was the cause of the bleed and told me that if I wanted to come in to appease my fears that he would work me in. We called my mom and she came and went with us to see the on-call doctor. They did an HCG level check and he did a vaginal exam. My HCG came back 750 (almost right on target) but during the vaginal exam the doctor found tissue that he was almost sure was fetal and told us that we were likely having a miscarriage. We were devastated! The doctor put me on bed rest until Monday when he told me to come back in. In the mean time they were going to send the tissue to the lab to see exactly what it was. When we left the doctor’s office I was in total shock. I sat in the back of the car as Allen drove and my mother rode up front and could not hold back the tears. Everything I had ever wanted was being ripped out of me and there was nothing anyone could do to prevent it. When we got home Allen put a mattress in the living room floor for me and we camped out there the entire weekend. My mom went home just long enough to pick up my dad and they came back and fed us dinner. They also came back Saturday and Sunday to just be with us and to help out if we needed anything.
Monday finally came and we headed back to the doctor awaiting news that would make or break our future. It turned out to be a GREAT day! My HCG level was 1916 (low but still on the rise) and we finally saw the yolk sack that was going to be where our baby would spend the next eight months. We also got the first pictures of our baby and found out that the tissue that the doctor had pulled from me the Friday before contained ZERO fetal tissue! We were overjoyed. This was also the day that we named our child…Baby Cam. You see, from day 1, we were convinced that we would be having a baby boy. When we got the ultrasound pic, Allen took a picture of it with his phone and sent it to my dad and his parents with the description “Baby Cam”. The name stuck from there and we later agreed upon Camden Allen Maness…or Cam for short. Here is my Facebook post that summarizes the pure joy we felt that day:
Monday finally came and we headed back to the doctor awaiting news that would make or break our future. It turned out to be a GREAT day! My HCG level was 1916 (low but still on the rise) and we finally saw the yolk sack that was going to be where our baby would spend the next eight months. We also got the first pictures of our baby and found out that the tissue that the doctor had pulled from me the Friday before contained ZERO fetal tissue! We were overjoyed. This was also the day that we named our child…Baby Cam. You see, from day 1, we were convinced that we would be having a baby boy. When we got the ultrasound pic, Allen took a picture of it with his phone and sent it to my dad and his parents with the description “Baby Cam”. The name stuck from there and we later agreed upon Camden Allen Maness…or Cam for short. Here is my Facebook post that summarizes the pure joy we felt that day:
We finally saw our miracle with our own eyes via ultrasound. Today the doctor said everything looked normal and healthy! My blood work was right on target also. Our little "Cammy" (that's what Allen is calling him) is scheduled to arrive on June 28th. That's Allen's mom's birthday. We are so excited and feel so loved by our friends, family and Eternal Father!” October 25, 2010 at 12:23pm
What an amazing day! Our next appointment was scheduled for a week later. The entire next week we lived in pure bliss…planning the future that would be ours. A summer baby…perfect timing…now if only we could figure out a way for me to stay home with Baby Cam…. J Oh the joys of planning for a baby!
We went back to the doctor on Monday, November 1st. The ultrasound was first. We were of course still on cloud nine. We had no idea what was in store for us…the ultrasound tech could not find the heartbeat and insisted that by now we should be seeing more growth. She sent us to meet with our doctor and yet again we were hit with a diagnosis of probable miscarriage. We only thought it was hard to hear the first time…this time we had had a little over a week to make plans and begin to love, pray over and sing to our sweet Baby Cam. This could not be happening! Again, we headed home not sure what to do. I couldn’t go to school the next day. We had a decision to make…do nothing and let our baby die or fight. Not sure how to fight I wallowed in sorrow until our parents took over. They insisted we get a second opinion. My mom called in favors to everyone she knew until we finally found someone to see us on Tuesday. We headed to Montgomery to meet with Dr. Jason K. Gentry. Everyone in his office had apparently been briefed on our situation and welcomed us with loving arms. We went in immediately for an ultrasound. We didn’t know what to expect. One day everything was going great and the next was pure hell. I lay on the table and just starred up at the ceiling praying for a miracle. From out of nowhere there was a flicker on the screen. The ultrasound tech didn’t say anything but measured the flicker very carefully and printed some images to take to Dr. Gentry. We were instructed to wait outside his office. When he finally called us in Allen and I took the seats in front of his desk while mom stood behind us. His first words…and I’ll remember them for as long as I live…were “Well, you have NOT had a miscarriage.” He proceeded to tell us that yes, everything pointed to a miscarriage but indeed our baby was still alive. As a matter of fact, the flicker that was on the screen was our baby’s heart beat. Here is my Facebook post from the day after that appointment. It best describes the state of emotion that we were in that day.
Yesterday we went to Montgomery and after lots of searching, there is was. Only a small flicker but it was definitely there. Unfortunately the second doctor gave the same probable diagnosis of miscarriage. However, I will not and cannot believe this is how God’s miracle is going to end. Isaiah 14:24 says “The Lord Almighty has sworn, surely as I have planned so it will be and as I purposed so it will stand.” We are confident that God would not give us this miracle baby and then take it away in only a few short weeks. We need prayers! Please pray that our baby’s heartbeat continues to grow stronger each day. He is fighting for his life and we need help in begging God for yet another miracle. We go back to the doctor in Montgomery on Monday. One way or another we will know the outcome them.” November 3, 2010 6:04 pm
When we left the doctor’s office Wednesday we were scheduled to go back for yet another ultrasound the following Monday.
“Baby Cam Update: God answers prayers! As soon as we started the U/S this morning God's power was evident. Our little miracle has grown so much in the past week! We got to hear his heartbeat which is up to 128! Please continue to pray! Back to the doc in 2 weeks.” November 8, 2010 at 10:09am
Fast forward 2 days to Wednesday. I’m standing up teaching graphing linear equations. It’s the beginning of 3rd block and my kids are doing great with this ordinarily difficult concept. I’m on a role when I get this sudden sensation that I need to use the restroom. Since my kids are doing so well I hate to leave in the middle of the explanation. I stand up from sitting on my stool and try to make it to lunch. After a few minutes I’m convinced that I have wet my clothes so I excuse myself to the restroom while my kids are working on a problem. When I sit down on the toilet I am horrified to find a bleed way worse than the first one at the beginning of the pregnancy. And not only was I bleeding but I passed a mass about the size of a plum. Devastated I went back to the classroom, grabbed my purse and informed my special education co-teacher that I had to leave. I hurried by the office and told them I HAD to get to the doctor immediately. I called Allen on my way out. He met me at home and we were on our way to Montgomery in fear of what was happening for what seemed like the 100th time in the last few weeks. As soon as we got there Amy, Dr. Gentry’s nurse, did an ultrasound. She saw a pool of blood in my uterus but it was below Baby Cam. And actually, she found his heartbeat very easily. Not only did we see his heartbeat this day, but we got to HEAR it also. It was amazing! After we finished that ultrasound and Amy took the pics to Dr. Gentry to review he wanted to do another ultrasound to see the bleed for himself. So here we go, vaginal ultrasound #2, all in the same day. To be honest, I wouldn’t have minded having one EVERYDAY if it meant we got to see and hear Baby Cam… Finally Dr. Gentry sent us home to another couple of days of bed rest and a follow-up appointment scheduled for November 22nd.
Other than the inability to sleep, horrible back pains and uncomfortable constipation (gross but true J), the next week was pretty uneventful. I was convinced that we were over the scary thought of losing our miracle baby and was what I guess you would call a normal pregnant woman…still on cloud 9 of course. Here are a couple of my Facebook posts from that week.
So, we were out the entire week of November 22-26 for Thanksgiving break. We had a basketball game against Slocomb on Friday, November 19th. We planned to head to Camden the next day to spend the weekend with Allen’s family since we would have to miss Thanksgiving with them because of the Thanksgiving Basketball Tournament. Saturday was a good day full of family time. I remember that at some point in the day, the only people home were Allen’s mom, myself, and our niece Ella Kate. EK was worn out from a morning of playing with Uncle Allen and crashed in my lap. As she slept there with her head on my chest I prayed about holding Baby Cam just like that in 7 months. I was 8 weeks 2 days by then. Life was surreal.
“A day of bed rest wouldn't be bad if I could actually sleep. Waiting on Allen to bring me some pancakes and sausage...I'm going to be as big as a house before Baby Cam gets here!” November 11, 2010 at 7:51am
“Ready for this Cam Newton scandal to be over! Don't get me wrong...I love AU football but hates how much my husband is obsessed with it!” November 11, 2010 at 7:30pm
“Please pray for baby Cam today. Satan is the devil of worry and fear and he is attacking me this morning.”
“Finally.......a break! Out for the entire week of Thanksgiving. Woohoo!” November 19, 2010 at 3:51pm
The next morning we got up and got ready to head to Allen’s parent’s church. We were excited about spending the morning with a church family that had been praying for us since day 1 of this journey five years ago. I took a shower, put my makeup on and fixed my hair and was about to change in to my church clothes when I started cramping slightly. I immediately headed for the restroom and of course…I was spotting. Not like the other 2 significant bleeds that I had in the previous weeks but enough to freak me out. I told Allen and he and I decided that we should stay home from church. I crawled in Allen’s parent’s bed to spend the day. After church, one of the ladies from Camden Church of God, Mrs. Sue Kitzinger, came and prayed over me and Baby Cam. She was convinced that this incident would end just like all the previous scares from the past 8 weeks and that on June 28th we would be having a healthy miracle baby. I wanted to believe her so badly. I called Dr. Gentry that afternoon (He had given us his cell phone number in case we needed him any time day or night.) Since we were already scheduled to see him the next day we decided to try to make it through the night in Camden.
Around 8 o’clock that night I began to pass blood clots. We called Dr. Gentry back and he told us that truly there was nothing that could be done. If we absolutely could not make it through the night we could head to the ER in Montgomery but again, there was really nothing that could be done. After spending an hour in Hell I had had enough. I didn’t care if they couldn’t do anything but I could not sit around and do nothing to save Baby Cam. I had to do SOMETHING! Around 9 o’clock we called my parents and headed to the Jackson Hospital ER in Montgomery. My parents would meet us there.
Mom and dad got there before us and by the time I got checked in and in a room it was almost midnight. We saw the ER doctor, who I did NOT like, and he said that an ultrasound tech would be coming to do an ultrasound shortly. After what seemed like an eternity an older woman came in with an ultrasound machine that looked to be about the same age as her. As she did the ultrasound she didn’t say much. I of course asked questions and she of course refused to answer them. I did notice that she measured Baby Cam and the measurement came out 8 weeks 3 days…exactly on target! We did not see a heartbeat but come on…on the machine she was using you could hardly make out anything. She left and told us that the doctor would be back to see us in a few minutes. When the doctor returned he told us that he was sure “the baby”…I hated hearing that phrase because to us, he was already Baby Cam…had already miscarried and there was nothing that we could do. I was in pure shock…and disbelief. It was a mistake. This had happened too many times already and I would NOT give up just like that. We shared the news with mom and dad, paid the $200something copay and headed to Troy to stay the night before our appointment with Dr. Gentry the next morning. I was convinced that everything was okay and an ultrasound on Dr. Gentry’s new and updated machine would prove that the ER doctor and ultrasound tech didn’t have a clue in prenatal medicine.
Mom and dad got there before us and by the time I got checked in and in a room it was almost midnight. We saw the ER doctor, who I did NOT like, and he said that an ultrasound tech would be coming to do an ultrasound shortly. After what seemed like an eternity an older woman came in with an ultrasound machine that looked to be about the same age as her. As she did the ultrasound she didn’t say much. I of course asked questions and she of course refused to answer them. I did notice that she measured Baby Cam and the measurement came out 8 weeks 3 days…exactly on target! We did not see a heartbeat but come on…on the machine she was using you could hardly make out anything. She left and told us that the doctor would be back to see us in a few minutes. When the doctor returned he told us that he was sure “the baby”…I hated hearing that phrase because to us, he was already Baby Cam…had already miscarried and there was nothing that we could do. I was in pure shock…and disbelief. It was a mistake. This had happened too many times already and I would NOT give up just like that. We shared the news with mom and dad, paid the $200something copay and headed to Troy to stay the night before our appointment with Dr. Gentry the next morning. I was convinced that everything was okay and an ultrasound on Dr. Gentry’s new and updated machine would prove that the ER doctor and ultrasound tech didn’t have a clue in prenatal medicine.
As dawn arrived on Monday, November 22, 2010, I prayed continuously for good news at our 11 o’clock appointment. I had no idea what God had in store for us, but I was sure of one thing…whatever it was, HE would be with us.
November 22, 2010 at 10:46am
Believing God. That’s what I was doing. As I lay on the ultrasound table starring at the ceiling I prayed one thing…”Save Our Baby”. Amy started the ultrasound and as I watched the screen I became suddenly aware of a new club that we were joining…the “We’ve Lost A Child” club. No, we had never held our sweet Baby Cam in our arms…and yes, we had only spent the last 8 weeks and 4 days with him, but he was ours. Our child. Our MIRACLE. Our hearts. He was the center of our lives…already. Amy didn’t have to say a word. Over the past 5 weeks we had become expert ultrasound readers. The screen was blank. No trace of even what we had seen in the ER only 11 hours earlier. Baby Cam was no longer in this world; he was already in the arms of our Father. Amy excused herself and Allen and I held each other like we had never before. I cried of course…but not as I had imagined myself crying if our journey ever came to this. I was too broken to cry…crying wouldn’t bring back Baby Cam…our baby. Before we left the doctor’s office we met with Dr. Gentry and he discussed several things with us…causes, tests to determine causes, medicine to take for pain, future plans for children and a list of other things that now are a blur.
The next thing I remember was being in the backseat of mom’s pathfinder headed home without our sweet baby. All at once this feeling came over me…a feeling that said that I could NOT wallow in my sorrows. My son was with his Heavenly Father. Neither he nor God wanted us to spend the next week in the dungeon of a dark house. I texted Allen because I was not ready to share my next thoughts with my mom just yet. I needed to get away. It was Thanksgiving week and we had a basketball tournament and a day of spending time with the extended family just around the corner. I was not ready to see or talk to anyone but Allen, the only person that felt the exact lose that I did. We dropped mom off in Troy and headed home to Ozark. We decided to leave town immediately. We wanted to go somewhere we had never been before. We settled on Biloxi, MS. Cheap hotels, the ocean, and lots of life…exactly what we needed. My parents had a hard time seeing it through our eyes but they agreed to keep Molly and Christian for us. Allen did a little finagling and got out of coaching in the basketball tournament. We left town about 5 o’clock that afternoon and headed west. Biloxi was a time of healing that we needed. We had been through the most heartbreaking and tiring 5 and a half weeks of our lives and we needed to find our way back to a “normal” life for us. We somewhat succeeded. Biloxi will always be a special place to us…the place where we said goodbye to our son.
November 22, 2010 at 4:39pm
November 23, 2010-present: Life without after Baby Cam.
No matter how great a lose…life goes on. We returned home from Biloxi on Thanksgiving Day to the cruel fact that life was going on all around us even though our world had been spun off its axis 4 days earlier. We had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to recoup and headed back to school on Monday morning and back to basketball on Tuesday. Of course there were the questions that we had to answer but with God’s help we survived. I turned to my outlet of writing and started this blog. Ironically, it has taken me 7 months to complete. Right now I am 20 days from the due date of sweet Baby Cam. For Christmas 2010 I had 3 Baby Cam ornaments made for my mom, Allen’s mom and myself by my precious sorority sister, Melissa McCord Amos. I wrote a note for us to go with the ornaments. I wasn’t sure I was going to share the note with everyone but they say there is power is sharing so why hold back now, right?
WE Will Never Forget
In several years, even months or weeks, to most, our sweet Baby Cam will be forgotten. Sure people will remember when specifically called to their attention that we, after 5 years of fertility medications, finally conceived and then lost a child. Most people may also forget that this child was not given to us by the hands of an earthly doctor, but by the miracle working hands of The Great Physician.
WE, however, will never forget the wonderful eight and a half weeks that we had to praise God over this miracle baby. We dreamed about what the future would hold for us as a family and spent many sleepless nights praying for God’s hand of protection over him as he grew in his mommy’s tummy.
Unfortunately for us, but to Baby Cam’s benefit, God chose to have this angel join Him in Heaven before ever being born in to our arms. Although the hurt is still as fresh as the morning dew and seems to never fade, we are comforted in the fact that our sweet child will never shed a tear or feel the sting of a broken heart. Instead, He will forever be rejoicing side by side with Jesus Christ.
Yes, Baby Cam may fade in most people’s minds, but to us he will always be our first child, our first grandchild, or our third grandchild. Other than God Almighty, no one will ever love him like his mother and grandmothers.
For now, our journey is on hold. We have dabbed back in to some fertility medicines but nothing major. Currently, I am not taking anything. I of course, hope for a child every month, but do not look for it to happen any time soon. We have revisited the adoption thought a lot recently but have agreed that maybe we should wait for job security. Before fall 2010 we were parents at heart, waiting on God to give us our child. Now, we are parents to a child that God thought to be so special that he took to be with Him forever. That is the thought that gets me through the hard days. Baby Cam is alive, not in this world, but in a world that has roads of gold and gates made of pearls….Pearls….the birthstone for the month of June, Baby Cam’s birth month. When we returned home from Biloxi we bought me a white gold necklace with a single pearl. Baby Cam’s pearl. I have not taken it off since the day I got it. One day I will give it to Baby Cam’s sister or brother. For now, it’s the one thing that I feel like I can hold to feel him. Him. Our miracle. Our child. Our pride and joy. Our little tiger. Our angel. Our sweet Baby Cam. Over the past 7 months I have shed uncountable tears…but I am healing. In the first few months after releasing Baby Cam to God I had a couple of dreams about him. And I still often day dream about Baby Cam’s life. These last few thoughts include some of my day dreams about the kind of person that Baby Cam would have been. I hope it doesn’t freak you out…
Baby Cam looks just like his daddy. I imagine that to my dismay he likes to go everywhere barefoot, like his dad did when he was a child. He of course is an athlete and his daddy is his coach and his mom his biggest cheerleader. He plays the piano and loves to fish and hunt with his Aunt Kasee. He is spoiled rotten by his Mama D, Big Daddy, Poppa, Nana, Pop and YiYa. He grows up to have the height of his Pop and of course goes to AU. Allen and I live through him. He is smart and outgoing like his mama and kind and handsome like his daddy. He loves on his mama, even when he’s grown and his daddy is his best friend. He is our son…our pride and joy. Our first child.
Thank you for sharing this difficult journey with all of us. Thank you for showing me how to be thankful and grateful, thank you for showing me how to put all trust in our precious Lord and Savior, thank you for showing the love of a mother, thank you, thank you!! You have touched my life by your story and I am so overwhelmed with emotion.As the days come and go, I will continue to pray for you and Allen. Love you both!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. Praise God that even through the difficult times we can praise Him! Praise God for blessing Baby Cam to be in heaven for ever. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue to grow in your journey. May the Lord strengthen and guide you. May He bless you indeed!
ReplyDeleteJohn 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."